Cassie Kraus

Thanksgiving was last week so we went to Oklahoma to visit my brother, sister in law and niece. And while it was a wonderful trip they didn’t always know what was happening.

My niece goes to this amazing school, it looks like the Harry Potter school, and on the second day we got to attend a performance she was in for special friends day. Day one was filled with teacher her Girl Scout troop and the rest of the week was just as exciting.

Every now and then throughout the week I would sneak off to my room and lay in bed. Sometimes it was filled with a nap and sometimes it was filled with tears. While I knew it was grief I didn’t really know how to express what I was feeling or even how to deal.

Day five we went to my brother’s church to see the beautiful grounds and play at the park. While there I walked the prayer walk. When I started it was just to experience it and see what it was about. Half way through my mind was racing. A flood of emotions filled my head and heart and I suddenly realized I was hurting so much because I am lost.

I had a life plan. I had someone who loved me so much and who I loved more than life. I knew that I would do anything for him and he would me. Some days he would call just to tell me how much he loved me be how thankful he was for our life. That walk was like this awful reminder that my life is nothing that I had hoped it would be. I’m lost.

While I am sure my family knew I was having a hard time they didn’t know how much. I am lost without Bob. I am lost without this love that centers me. This admiration for what I am. I am beyond lost of what to do with the love and desire I have to give. I have this bottled up hope for the future but on days and weeks like this I just feel lost.

I know this may sound like such a silly thing to say but to be honest some days it is a miracle. Some days I look in the mirror and wonder how is this my life? How am I still standing?

Then other days I have this crippling fear that I will never be whole again. I will never be loved by someone again. That no matter how much love I have to give or how much passion I have to share I will forever be alone. The fear of being alone consumes my every thought process. The idea that no one will ever say some of the words Bob used to say. (I love you, you look pretty, I’m proud of you)

I don’t want the same love I had because that was something special. It was something that grew over time and experiences. That love was a one of a kind. What I pray for is something completely different, completely separate.
I will love Bob till the day I die. He loved me at my worst, he cheered me on for my best, he sat and wiped my tears when I struggled, and held my hand to make me feel loved. I was comfortable with him. He made me comfortable in my own skin with the person I am. With him gone I feel lost. I feel like I don’t like myself. I don’t like the way I sound, the way I look, how I am seen.

I pray one day I feel whole again.

Today I came home from work early because I was having a hard day. I haven’t slept in days, I have had a migraine coming on for days, and every meal I have makes me sick for days. 

I’m not sick. I don’t have a physical illness. I have grief and anxiety. 

Recently there have been some things that have made me questions a lot. I have felt so broken and so discouraged. My anxiety and depression has taken a toll on me and to be honest at times things feel dark. 

Today I left work a little early and came home to just lay down. Sometimes you have to check on you. 

Mental health is a funny thing. I can put a smile on my face and pretend like I am happy and nothing is wrong but feel like I am dying inside. I say I am fine all the time and try to change the subject but occasionally my body says no and forces me to take a moment. 

Today is a rough day for many different reasons. Grief, anxiety and depression won today. Maybe tomorrow will be my turn. 

Do you ever look at your life and wonder what it would be like if you made only one different choice?

 If I had chosen to finish a different path in college. If I had a different conversation with that one person, or if I had taken a different turn. 

What would my life look like now? How would I be different? What job would I have, where would I live, how would I shuffle through life? 

I don’t regret my life or the choices I have made but I do wonder what if it was different. 

Today my mom and my two besties threw me the most beautiful house warming. 

These past few months have been bittersweet. On one hand I am so excited to have had the opportunity to purchase the home Bob and I wanted to buy together but on the other hand it is also so hard to be happy about something that I don’t get to celebrate with him. 

But today I let myself have a few moments to be proud and excited. It was hard for sure but with so many people I care about coming in to celebrate it made it a bit easier. 

I am beyond thankful for the friends and family who came by to offer well wishes and love. Today I have the warmest house and the fullest heart. 

Today my heart sank with one phone call. “Mom, me and the boys were in an accident. We just got t-boned”. I was horrified and thought I would throw up. Let me start by saying everyone is ok, just shaken and a bit sore. 

At that moment my heart sank and I was horrified. I could hear his voice and even when I saw him in person I could see he was all in one piece but I was still not processing it. After losing Bob a year ago where one phone call ruined my life, I couldn’t get it out of my brain. 

Kade is my baby. He is my whole world. The reason I breathe and can even function after last year. The fear flashed before my eyes and has scared me to my core today. 

He is ok, just sore and shaken. He is ok, just sore and shaken. I keep telling myself it over and over. He is ok, just sore and shaken. 

Fourteen months later and I am constantly learning new things about myself. Today’s lesson is to be more like a dog. 

Ok I know it sounds silly but a dog does what it likes and stays away from the things that it doesn’t. A dog is able to quickly learn tricks and is a great judge of character. 

I discovered I want to learn lessons like a dog. I have always been very discerning and intuitive about people but I need to be more like a dog in that if I don’t like something I leave it. 

In the past 14 months I have constantly been reminded that life is too short to be completely unhappy. Life is too short to allow people to treat you less than the worth that God says you are. Dog years fly by, they say seven years at a time, so why would we use that time to accept less than the good bone?

In life few things are permanent. The love of a mother and daughter or son, the way you make someone feel, a first impression and the way you speak to someone. All permanent. 

Permanent damage is done in the way we speak to or about someone. It is like that old saying about not being able to put the toothpaste back in the tube. Just because you don’t say that awful or snide remark to someone’s face doesn’t mean they won’t know about it. What’s worse is when they say it behind your back and try to damage your character, try to hurt who you are or even worse is just meant to make you look bad. 

What is permanent is the way you make someone feel. You can change the way you do things but you can’t change the way it makes someone feel. There is no reason to ever make some feel small, insignificant, irrelevant or diminish who they are. Doing so says so much more about who you are as a person than the person you are trying to bring down. 

What is permanent is what you do when no one is watching. When someone puts someone down or tries to say negative things about them or the things that are important to them and you choose to either not engage or better yet to speak the best in that person is permanent. Knowing the good in people and making sure those around you also know the good in them is permanent. 

Let me always be someone who tries to make permanent strides in making people feel accepted, heard, valued, and understood.